Comrades, 2016 was hard for all of us. Arguably the year from hell. The world should have ended in 2012. I would go as far as saying that it was homophobic for inconveniencing me personally and killing so many gay icons- such as David Bowie, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds.

I know that students everywhere are frizzled and frazzled after the results of this election and need a break; no matter how much I would prefer to be optimistic, I can tell the worst is yet to come.

Still, it is not the time to cower and hide. It is not the time to live in fear. We must hold our heads high and our civil rights fists higher.

Be your own president this year.

I suggest looking to other parts of the world and counting blessings. Being Syrian would suck right now! I’m so glad I’m not Syrian.

Make yourself physically strong in order to advance the revolution and protect yourself against the terrors that the police state will try to inflict.

• Start eating right. You will find that the same things that are bad for your body are good for the wealth of the bourgeois. Avoid genetically modified organism consumption- especially products from Monsanto which are proven to be carcinogenic. Perhaps go vegan, which is actually more cost-effective than being omnivorous (If you go vegan, make sure to tell everyone on Facebook).
• Drink plenty of water, am I right ladies?
• Remember: HYGIENE IS A BOURGEOIS VALUE. Be clean, instead.

Make yourself mentally strong in order to resist propaganda and to be able to engage and flourish in discourse.

• Read Genealogy of Morals (Nietzsche), Utopia (Thomas More),
  The Theory of the Leisure Class (Thorstein Veblen) and 1984 (George Orwell).
• Learn a new language.
• Do some Sudoku, solve some riddles or logic puzzles — pleasure yourself to a picture of a triangle scantily clad in a lace garter thong if the language arts are not your bag.

Work on yourself confidence.

• Know that in a society ruled by the corporate overlords who profit off insecurity, loving yourself is an act of defiance.
• Imagine, if you ever feel insecurity bubbling up inside of you like an unwanted pregnancy- that it is Donald Trump himself trying to make you feel ashamed of yourself. Perhaps in this way you can compartmentalize your insecurity and your foe in the same box.
• Battle your mental illness by drinking seven shots of espresso and getting into a knife fight with it. Take your meds. See your therapist. Spend some time in the sun to boost serotonin and relive stress.

Make a real effort to cut negative influences from your life- family members, friends, addictions that obstruct you from being the best person you could be.

• Replace them with good people who will love you and give you moral support when the road to freedom gets tough.
• Take a lover to touch you gently, or touch yourself gently. Just know that God is watching.
• Find an upper-class sugar daddy and waste his money, leave him and find another. Spread the wealth.

Believe that any problem, no matter how large, can be solved with understanding, radical love for yourself and others and truth; furthermore you must also believe that every conflict, no matter how small, should be solved by the same means. Do good in all things!

Whatever you do:

• Don’t have unsafe sex.
• Don’t share needles.
• Don’t give up hope.